meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
