lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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