Can Purell be used as lube?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
