I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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