Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
