My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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