genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
