you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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