if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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