he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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