you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
