You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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