Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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