Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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