It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
