It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
