hotel room ftw
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
