I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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