Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
