we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
