i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
