Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
