puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
