I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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