I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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