I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
