I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
