Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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