Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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