I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
