Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
