in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
