Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
