oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
