i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
