I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
