Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Randomize
