i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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