i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
