I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
