i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
