god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
fuck your aforementioned shoe
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
