I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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