Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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