I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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