Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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