youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
