Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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