I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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