I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
